


Your Locution

by CschMan20



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Anger, Angst, Betrayal, Drama, Gen, Insanity, Obsession, One Shot, Psychosis, Transgender, Unrequited Love, conflicted - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-10 22:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12921636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CschMan20/pseuds/CschMan20
Summary: Instead of neglecting Mutsuki's note, Kaneki goes to the chateau alone and speaks with his former teammate. (Direct divergence from Tokyo Ghoul:re chapter 129)





	Your Locution

Mutsuki didn’t expect him the first night. So, when Kaneki showed up to the chateau on the 12th, Mutsuki was taken aback.

He had been waiting patiently before Kaneki arrived, sitting on the couch in the living room with a book in his lap. But Mutsuki was not reading; his eyes were somewhere else. They were off viewing a reality he knew could never be. The odds of Kaneki coming at all were low. He was too clever and probably scrutinized over Mutsuki’s purpose of writing the message.

But there was a chance and if there was a chance, then Mutsuki could hope. He would believe his _sensei_ would return, and everything would go back to normal. He was tricking a loved one, but at least he was doing it alone. No one--not even Urie--knew what he was up to. The Quinx Squad was scheduled for a mission the next few nights, and Mutsuki had managed to convince Urie he needed some rest. Urie didn’t question it, thankfully. Mutsuki needed to settle the strife between him and Kaneki without any outside interference. It was his only opportunity to show him his resolve, his love. Even if that meant Kaneki would need to sleep, so he wouldn’t hurt himself (or anyone) any longer…

Mutsuki’s thoughts traveled dreamily as he stared out the second-story window. The night was calm and tempting. The city lights of the 1st Ward blinked serenely, and there were whispers of the wind skimming against the glass. The pressing of the breeze resonated with Mutsuki. He cheered for it to break through, for it to prove itself.

It was a little after nine when Mutsuki heard the door click. His eyes widened as he took in the frame of the man who had entered.

A scarf was around Kaneki’s mouth, and he lowered it after he stepped into the room. “Hello, Mutsuki,” he said.

Mutsuki was not one to challenge his former leader’s abilities, but how the hell did he enter the chateau without any noise or hint of his presence? Maybe he had been too engrossed in his thoughts to notice? Despite this, the truly impressive feat was not that; Kaneki wasn’t wearing a mask.

“ _S-sensei_ , you came.” Mutsuki’s heartbeat seemed to beat outside of himself, as if it was never his to begin with. His book dropped to the floor as he rose, and his legs brought him to a standing position. He was sure they would fail him. He was sure they would break from the pressure he was feeling, the excitement.

Kaneki’s expression was calm, his eyes dusted with slight curiosity and…something else. It was something alluring to Mutsuki. He wanted to reach out and grab it. “I’m a little surprised to see you’re alone,” said Kaneki coolly.

Mutsuki laughed at that. It was derived more of relief than of actual mirth. “There didn’t need to be anybody else, _sensei_. I hope you’re not mad at me.”

Kaneki’s eyelids were low and careful. “I’m sorry about what happened, Mutsuki. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you.”

“Are you talking about that bitch?” Mutsuki asked playfully.

He could feel it from here. A flare of red in Kaneki’s eyes and a sensation of fury burning mildly from his body were all noticeable signs. Still, there was plenty of control there, plenty to work with. Mutsuki didn’t want to provoke him too much. This needed to be done slowly, so he could fully relish the experience.

“It’d be wise if you didn’t mention Touka like that,” he replied. “But yes, I’m referring to that incident in the coffee shop.

Mutsuki grinned. “Well, all is forgiven. I want to fight for you now, _sensei_. Together, I’m sure we can free your friend, Yoriko, and even take down the C--”

Kaneki brought a gloved hand up. His jaw tightened, and he looked to be holding himself back. Was he really that angry at the jab?

“Let’s not pretend that letter was the truth, Mutsuki. I knew this was a trap.”

Mutsuki quirked an eyebrow. He had been hoping on keeping the charade going a little longer, just enough to make his leader know what he had gone through without him. “Then why are you here? And alone?”

A small smirk creeped against Kaneki’s lips. “Probably for the same reason you are--to talk.”

Well, he was wrong about that. Mutsuki didn’t mind talking, but what he really wanted was to drive his daggers into Kaneki’s body over and over again, to illustrate the torment in the only way he knew how. Then he would comfort his love as he healed him back to health. He would care and nurture his broken heart and bring him close to a place where there was only them.

“Sure, _sensei_. We can talk all you want.”

Kaneki’s eyes seemed to soften. “Good. I do want to make it clear; however, that we don’t overstep ourselves during this. If I begin to suspect you’re going to attack or I feel the slightest sense of an ambush, I will retaliate.”

Mutsuki brought his palms out innocently. “No problem, _sensei_! I promise no one will get in our way.” _Ever again_ , he thought gently. Mutsuki was also fairly certain there was another reason Kaneki had made an appearance. There was an edge of interest in his eyes that Mutsuki had seen from him before. He always had that look when he wanted to test a theory, to see if he was correct about something.

Before Mutsuki could jump directly on what he was considering, Kaneki beat him to it and said: “What happened on Rushima, Mutsuki?”

Mutsuki could feel his cultivated excitement drop. It fell into the floor and seeped far down into a place where such quaint feelings were not experienced. His fingers tensed, and he tried to smile, but it morphed into a vile, twisted snarl. “What’s that, _sensei_? You mean that island?”

Kaneki stared stoically at him. He said nothing.

Mutsuki didn’t want to think about _that_. His true self had been known to him in that awful time. When a person who never knew their own reflection could finally look into a mirror, they always saw a monster. Monsters were born from pain and shame, and that revelation never really went away. It just soaked in, as if it was a sponge. But after contemplating the monster he saw that day, Mutsuki learned to accept himself. He didn’t necessarily love or even like himself, (he didn’t even know what that would look like) but he could cope with the new person in his mind. It was like making a new friend, a friend who really understood you. _And that’s not so bad. Not so bad at all_.

“I just woke up, _sensei_ ,” he finally answered after dwelling on the memory. “That’s the best way I can put it.”

Kaneki nodded like he was gathering information. “I see. In what way? Did you have a breakthrough?”

Mutsuki blinked. How could he talk about it so casually? He had done terrible things, and Kaneki was just pretending as if it was meant to happen? Almost like they were excusable, hell, maybe even _needed_. “What do you mean?”

Kaneki’s eyes narrowed. “What did you see, Mutsuki? I need to know what you saw.”

Teeth grinded in indignation as Mutsuki could feel the emotion swell. He had killed so many. He was crazy. He was fucking insane, and the CCG let him be that way. They made it okay to be. But letting his love see him like this was different. He couldn’t find it okay with Kaneki there; it just felt wrong.

“I saw me!” he shouted. This was the truth, and it was ugly. “I saw what I’ve always been but what I couldn’t accept for so long. I ignored it, _sensei_. I ignored it and then purposely forgot it. I couldn’t acknowledge that part of myself. I had to let it go or else it would have destroyed me.”

Kaneki took a step closer. His countenance was alert and concerned. He almost looked like Haise again. _There you are_ , sensei. _Where were you all this time?_ “So, what made you take it?” Kaneki pressed. “Why did you accept what you saw?”

The strain in Mutsuki’s face melted away, and he became placid again. He was slightly startled by the question, but he knew the answer. It was a simple one. “To live.”

There was a pause and then Kaneki added: “Ah, yes. Of course.”

Mutsuki ran a hand through his chalky hair. It was just like his leader’s now. “I had to do it, _sensei_. I know you understand it, too. It was terrible, but I had to do it because--”

“To eat is to live,” he interjected softly. Kaneki closed his eyes and sighed. “Yes, I suppose you’re right.” He smiled and focused his attention on Mutsuki. “We’re very similar, Mutsuki, you know. You and I know what it’s like to not want to see what’s inside us.”

Mutsuki felt the excitement again. It surged like a river up from the floor and back to his soul. “Oh, _sensei_. I always knew you better! I just knew you realized, and I’m so happy to hear you say that.”

Before his very eyes, Mutsuki saw his love’s smile turn cold, like watching a river freeze over instantly. “But we’re also very different,” Kaneki stated.

Mutsuki felt himself slipping, falling into a welcoming black hole where no one could ever harm him again. He just wanted to feel loved. “Oh?”

Kaneki seemed to look at something intangible, something distant and lost. “When I accepted the part of myself that I never wanted to acknowledge before, I later saw it as a mistake. I thought I couldn’t face my old self ever again. I knew I had to look forward--but it was too hard at the time. I then got my priorities wrong and ended up hurting more people. I kept making mistakes and second-guessing myself until I felt I couldn’t ever make a confident decision. But what really hurt was _why_ I had accepted it in the first place.” Kaneki was looking at him, really looking at him. “I wanted to protect those I loved.” He smiled brightly. He was Haise then. To Mutsuki, it was like nothing had changed. “I’m really selfish, you see.”

Mutsuki loved the look he was receiving. It was full of passion and the essence of what he was hungering for. It made him feel like a woman again. Kaneki was the only person who could do that. But he was so cold; his _sensei_ was so cold. _Hold me, please. Kiss me. Tell me I’m loved and beautiful and tragic and broken and scarred. Tell me I’m okay._

“But you’re not like that, Mutsuki,” he continued. “I don’t know what exactly happened on Rushima, but I know your transformation was not a result of the same reason mine was.” It was agony. Kaneki’s words were fucking agony. “I don’t think you love anybody, Mutsuki.”

And the black hole swallowed him. It swallowed up Tooru Mutsuki, and there was nothing left of him afterwards. How tragic. Mutsuki tried to choke out his profession. This wasn’t how he had planned it to go. “T-that’s not true, _sensei_. I do love someone.”

Kaneki didn’t seem surprised. He was still smiling, but the last of his kindness was gone. “I slept with Touka,” he confessed.

Mutsuki felt his heart stop. His jaw dropped, and he gaped at his love. Somehow, he already knew that was the truth but to hear the proclamation aloud was too much. It was searing misery that drilled and burned away the flesh of his heart. And Mutsuki responded to the torment the only way he knew how--with rage.

He screamed as he reached under his coat to clench his dagger and lunged towards Kaneki (Haise, he’s _Haise_ ). He was reverting to the original plan. He would take his _sensei_ home right after he learned his lesson. Mutsuki would show him just how much it hurt.

Mutsuki was a step away from Kaneki. He could see the color in his left eye change to black and red. It was beautiful seeing _sensei’s_ eye; it was just like his own. Kaneki seemed to not move at all, but there was a blur where his hand had been.

Then, darkness overtook him.

It threw him into that black hole. Mutsuki spiraled down it and passed far away into an esoteric, dejected expanse where no warmth was known. He allowed it to settle around him. He accepted it.

Hours later, Mutsuki awoke in the living room. He was alone. The back of his neck hurt, and he remembered the words Kaneki had told him. Outside, the night was calm, and there was no sign of pain. But it was there; it was always there.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Tokyo Ghoul fic, and I plan to write more stories for this amazing manga. Personally, I really enjoy Mutsuki's character, and I always wished there was a genuine moment in canon where she and Kaneki could have talked. This is my interpretation of what that would have maybe looked like. I certainly hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!
> 
> -CM


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